Researcher and Social Worker Dr Ralph Hampson says having brave conversations as you grow older in Australia can deliver something that all of us crave – the best and healthiest life possible.
Growing older in Australia can be full of a lot of ‘maybes’.
Maybe we’ll stay healthy, eat well, avoid any of the nasty things such as falls and illnesses, and live a long, happy life in the comfort of our own homes until we die.
Maybe we’ll do all of those things but with a twist at the finish line, and still end up in aged care – a reality for many of us.
Maybe none of those things will happen.
But whatever future is dealt to us (or we deal for ourselves) having the will and the ability to have brave conversations – with loved ones, with doctors, and sometimes even with ourselves – is vital to ensure we get the best out of the life we have.
But it’s far from easy and one of the things I’ve tackled in my research is residential aged care.
The positive things are easy for us to talk about. I’m going to retire, I’m going to travel, I’m going to focus on my hobbies, I’m leaving the workforce, I’m going to go part time. But when the small things start happening – my eyesight isn’t what it used to be, my hearing is on the decline – we tend to start blocking it out, joking about it or avoiding it. It’s like we think by not talking about it, it won’t happen.
But the roll-on effect when things get more serious can be heart-breaking, because our plans tend to stop being our own. We lose control.
But the roll-on effect when things get more serious can be heart-breaking, because our plans tend to stop being our own. We lose control.
For example, I recently gave a talk to a community group and an 85-year-old in the audience came up to me afterwards said, “I live at home, I love my garden, I’m really physically well. What do you think I need to do to prepare?” I said, “Well, you may stay like that and die in your own home. And you may never have to use services. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t talk about it all the possibilities.”
Talking about it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.
One of the things I really try to push when I’m writing and speaking with groups is that we actually do already know about some of the things that will happen to us as we grow older – most of us have witnessed it in our parents and grandparents lives. I believe that if we have the brave conversations around those things, our futures become our own for the making.
Denying that simply denies us choice.
The classic example of that in my research is the person who fell and broke her hip, and ended up in hospital. She then had to agree to go into a nursing home. And it was her children and her partner who were told by the hospital to go and look at six places and choose one. And that is where your mother will live now.
That is the outcome when you are forced to react.
Seizing control of the choice for yourself
If you love your area and where you live, look on the internet or go for a drive and find the options that are available and would suit you. Go inside, check them out, ask questions of staff and the residents, decide for yourself if this is the place for you.
Because if it does happen that you have a fall, and might need residential care, you can say to your family, “Well, I’ve looked at that one. And I think that one would be one that I’d really like to go to.”
Having that brave conversation early – and not just about aged care but in all manner of things, such as your ability to drive safely – will also help with any conflicting opinions within your family.
Having that brave conversation early – and not just about aged care but in all manner of things, such as your ability to drive safely – will also help with any conflicting opinions within your family.
Imagine you get sick and you haven’t had the brave conversation around your care. Your family will often take differing viewpoints about what should happen to you.
“They shouldn’t be in a nursing home.”
“Well I’ve been looking after them and I think they should.”
“Over my dead body.”
On and on the difficult, eventually combative conversations go.
But having that brave conversation early can also help address some of the things that may be at the root of your health issues, such as at-home care and domestic work.
Talking about it can spell out that you need help doing the things that you used to do every day. Letting services in and using them may allow us to stay longer in our own home – which is where we want to be. But often people’s initial reaction to letting services in is that they might somehow view it as a failure. But in fact it’s about how we liberate ourselves by using services and technologies that help us to live as independently as possible for as long as possible.
The truth of the matter
One of the real questions is how do we have more discussions about truth telling, especially with ourselves. We all hear about the person on a TV show who says they’re 92 and they’re about to go skydiving, and aren’t they a marvellous example of ageing?
In research terms we’d potentially call that person an outlier. And then there’s someone who hasn’t been healthy all their life. They will never jump out of a plane.
For most of us the truth will probably be somewhere in the middle. For me it is how we talk positively. The home care services are there to invigorate you and help you live a healthier, longer life.Not to take anything away from you. They can be liberating rather than constraining.
Whether it’s handing in your driver’s licence, accepting help at home or choosing your aged care preferences early, I think it’s about saying to people that with brave conversations you get to make the choice.
By having the brave conversations, it’s a pathway to having the best life possible.
